Ray Wills

ATTENTION  
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I JUST THOUGHT I'D SAY GOODBYE.

 

This stuff in here is listed with authors where known. For the anonymous stuff - if you are the author and want acknowledgement, just let me know and I'll add it. The jokes are really now quite old (from the last Century), but possibly still funny - see what you think...
One of my favourite humour pages is www.bluehaze.com.au/humour/ which are maintained and updated in their original format and with their original content as a tribute to the originator of the list Tony Sanderson, who died in June 2006. Rest In Peace Tony.


Schubert's Productivity
A company chairman was given double tickets for a performance of Schubert's 'Unfinished Symphony'. Being unable to go, he passed the invitations to the company's time and motion co-ordinator. The next morning the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and was handed a memorandum which read as follows:
    1. For considerable periods, the obea players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
    2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
    3. The piccolo does very little, and then only when the conductor looks in his direction: this position should be made redundant.
    4. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. this seems an excessive refinement, and it is recomended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it should be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
    5. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
    6. In summary, restructuring the symphony in accordance with their observations would allow the performance to be completed sooner, would reduce the wages bill, and would give each musician a sense that their individual contribution was really significant.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he would probably have had the time to finish his symphony.


I'm a fan of Yes Minister - here's a link to my favourite site.

http://www.jonathanlynn.com/tv/yes_minister_series/yes_minister_episode_quotes.htm <http://www.jonathanlynn.com/tv/yes_minister_series/yes_minister_episode_quotes.htm>


GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 15 metres above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "you must work in management."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Also, he was supported by nothing but hot air.


One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.


1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall  in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was  excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've  lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm  positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,  "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into  a bar, and one was a salted.

4A. A sandwich walks into a bar. The  bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic  man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the  road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:  "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The  Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is  it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each  other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed  Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were  nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and  says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says  the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him  down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really  heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.  And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either  my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother  Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some  camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went  to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the  meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too  high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He  shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know  you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco  last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak  were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you  can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish  with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is  the bar tender here?"


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that "when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

In large organisations, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.  Change riders.

2.  Buy a stronger whip.

3.  Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden  dead horses".

4.  Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5.  Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6.  Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse

7.  Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8.  Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance 9.  Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. R-classify the dead horse as "living impaired"

11. Develop a strategic plan for the management of dead horses

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less     costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory capacity

 


Famous mispredictions

 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."-- Bill Gates, 1981


Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...

then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal & a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night & went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke & nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky & tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions & millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute.

"ASTRONOMICALLY, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies potentially billions of planets. ASTROLOGICALLY, I observe Saturn is in Leo.

LOGICALLY, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

THEOLOGICALLY, I can see that God is all-powerful & that we are small & insignificant. METEOROLOGICALLY, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all?" Holmes asked.

"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, someone has stolen the tent."


Created November 30, 1995

Last updated: October 18, 2013

http://raywills.net/rtwfun1.html